i hate so much about the things you choose to be

[thirty2flavors]

It took me longer than it would usually take me to read a 700 page teen lit book because I found myself sincerely, honestly bored as shit at some parts. Even Twilight's former cracklike tendencies are wearing off -- that, or I'm just more aware of the fail now, so it doesn't work.

Anyway, with all due respect to everyone on my flist who liked it, I truly think this was just such a terrible novel I cannot even really put it into words. By giving Bella everything she ever wanted AND MORE!!! Meyer completely undermined the only vague theme she had going, which was that true luv~ is all about sacrifice. There were just so many deus ex machinas in this book I can't even begin to count them. How the hell can Smeyer's vampires have father children? This makes zero sense with the vampire mythology that Smeyer created, which is what really blows my mind. If she wanted ickle Renesmee in the first place, she could've given herself a more logical set-up for it.

Plus, Bella's transformation into the Ultimate Mary-Sue made me want to kill something. I mean, we knew it was coming, but I don't need to hear about how dazzling you are, Bella. It's also way lame that Bella is so superspecial that her superpsecial power is one that cancels out (virtually) every other vampire's skill, except for Alice, Jasper and Captain Planet's. The Volturi is the biggest failure of an evil organization in the world, because despite their presence as OMG SO SCARY in New Moon and Breaking Dawn, both times they basically give the Cullens a Stern Talking To, which is, you know, the height of awesome climax.

I don't even know, I was going to write a coherent, well-structured review of the many ways Breaking Dawn sucks at life, but now I find I cannot even bring myself to do that. It's not even like I'm disappointed -- I was glad the spoilers were real because they were too hilarious to be fake, and I certainly didn't expect a good book -- I'm just, I don't know, mind-blown that even Meyer could crank out something like this.
Also, bitch needs to stop trying to be JKR. Two movies? An encyclopedia? Stfu.

I also think it's interesting that from what I gather, mostly everyone who read the spoilers absolutely hated the novel; a good number of people who went into it blind liked it and thought it was a... good surprise, or something. Hmm.


This'll probably be my last post about Twilight for the foreseeable future, so I'll also add that I went to the release party on Friday with Sindie for... I don't know, entertainment? She didn't end up buying the book, either, so we were basically loitering or something. Awesome. Anyway, Chapters somehow (he doesn't even work there) roped Will into being Jacob -- which is hilarious, because he does not resemble Jacob in any way -- and he was working at the refreshments table where they had two bowls of punch (the "Edward" and the "Jacob") so Sindie and I just kind of loitered around there and talked to him for most of the night.

A couple girls asked to take a picture with him, which I found hilarious, and I guess one mom came over and asked Will and the Edward if they'd take a picture with her daughter because omg it's her birthday and it would mean so much to her omg!!! because I guess getting pictures with random Chapters employees is way up on this girl's list of life goals. However by far the best was the girl who refused to be served by Jacob. It was like this:

Will: Kali, can you serve her? She refuses to be served by Jacob.
Me: omfg rly. *laughs* SO I GUESS YOU WANT THE "EDWARD" THEN?
Girl: Emmett!
Will (who, for the record, knows absolutely nothing about Twilight): Emmett sucks.
Girl: OMFG *rips Will's "Jacob" nametag out of his jacket pocket*
Will/Kali/Everyone: ......
Kali: ..........BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Girl: *suddenly realizes she just acted like a fucking psycho and has the deceny to be completely mortified* Oh my god, sorry, I don't know why I did that. *hands back nametag*
Will: ...Er.
Kali: hahahahahahaha


The theme of the Chapters party was "masquerade". I happen to be wearign a dress for the sole reason that I got it the day before and wanted to try it out, lirl.


Sindie and I. I am so pale. OMG AM I A VAMPIRE :O


Sindie, Tania and I. Tania works at Chapters and she is wearing her prom dress. it is pretty intense.


Hurrah for volunteer workers! LIRL


I don't know who these people are, I just love the guy on the left. LOOK AT HIM. *dies*

Comments

[inksplotched.livejournal.com]

I LULZ SO HARD THAT THE GIRL RIPPED OFF HIS NAMETAG.

twilight is officially no longer warping me into some wank-loving freak anymore. BUAHAHAHA SMEYER YOU ARE DONE. DONE.

can i have normality now plz.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/]

OMFG SHE WAS NUTS, it was awesome

Yeah I'm pretty done with Twilight, too. Once the Breaking Dawn hilarity settles I'm out of there. It got boring. In the words of that dude from the pokemon video, YO YO YO I'M DON WITCHOO.

[placebetween.livejournal.com]

HAHAHAHAHA BREAKING DAWN HAHAHAHAHAHA

I think I liked the end because Bella stopped being the whiniest bitch on the planet, but I agree with everyone who thinks that SMeyer destroyed every message she ever had, except that having a mildly abusive and virginal boyfriend will bring you a happy ending ... FOREVERRRR.

also that guy on the left in your last picture? I want his number now

[http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/]

I don't know if I like Bella the arrogant asshole more or less than I like Bella the whiny insecure bitch. Either way I just... hate Bella Swan so much, lol.

Omfg that guy makes me laugh so hard.

[harmony-jam07.livejournal.com]

BAHAHAHA.

LMFAO. MAYBE SMEYER SHOULD'VE WROTE THAT IN THE BOOK. COULD'VE MADE IT A BIT BETTER.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/]

YES

I honestly think there are about a thousand fanfic authors who could've written a better Breaking Dawn, lirl

[firstlightofeos.livejournal.com]

Wait, an encyclopedia, too? SERIOUSLY, woman, get your own ideas.

You already know how I feel about BD. And the nametag-ripping thing is awesome.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/]

I KNOW! My friend told me and I was outraged. Stfu Meyer, no one wants an encyclopedia of your half-formed world of sparkles and sunshine. =|

[inksplotched.livejournal.com]

I JUST NOTICED THE TITLE WAS FROM THE OFFICE. HOLLAAAAAA. OH I LOVE MICHAEL SO MUCH. NEW EPISODES NOWWW :|

[http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/]

I KNOW! I LOVE THE OFFICE. maybe I will watch more today, I am kind of bored, idk.

I couldn't decide if I wanted the title to be BREAKING DAWN, I HATE SO MUCH ABOUT THE THINGS YOU CHOOSE TO BE or SMEYER, I HATE SO MUCH ABOUT THE THINGS YOU CHOOSE TO BE so I just left it

[twinsuns.livejournal.com]

LMAO your summary captures the novel perfectly. So horrible.

AND IT PISSES ME OFF THAT EDWARD CAN HAVE KIDS (even though I predicted that a half-human-half-vampire was going to be created). How can he if his body never changes? You know, no blood flow to certain neccesarry organs, no sperm production.... and when he does swallow food what does his body do with it? Let it sit in his stomach? She should have worked out the vampire's anatomy better or something... I dunno.

These are the things I think about when I read these books. Make it at least plausible, please. I'm not convinced.


And I really wanted an epic fight at the end. But I suppose that happened in the third book? Guh guhguhguh.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/]

I KNOW. JUST... SO MUHC ABOUT THIS NOVEL IS DUMB, I CAN'T EVEN HANDLE IT. It really is just like an AU fic where the author only has a shaky, vague explanation of how things happened. argh.

Plus she goes on about how her vampires are more "scientific" while her werewolves I MEAN SHAPESHIFTERS are magical, but her vampires are so far from science. Sorry Smeyer, that kind of creature would never evolve, stfu.

An epic fight would've ben the only thing that could've salvaged the book, but no.

[firstlightofeos.livejournal.com]

*shrugs* She failed biology, obvs. Or didn't pay attention. I've kind of hit the point where if it sparkles, forget about plausibility and just laugh and laugh and laugh. (And see if you can chip off bits to make diamonds.)

Epic fight would have been so much more awesome. The last part of the book was basically build build build build BUILD BUILD BUILD anticlimax. AND IT SUCKED.

[firstlightofeos.livejournal.com]

Also, have you read cleolinda's commentary on BD? It's awesome, if you haven't.

[lacunaz.livejournal.com]

OH GOD GUISE WE HAVE OVER A MONTH UNTIL WE ALL DIE LET'S NOT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

Deus ex machinae all over the place. It was kind of embarrassing to read, actually -- most of the action happened off-screen, and when it did, it contradicted most of what Smeyer said before. Whatever. I never liked the books in the first place, and it amuses me that now no one else does either.

Also, CALLED the human/vampire thing eating its way out of the womb! Aahaha that made me so happy.

[lexith.livejournal.com]

OH MY GOD THE VAMPIRE MAN. He reminds me of that Fashion SWAT on SA. Good times. I MISS YOU MY DARLING

[http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/]

OMFG YES HE IS TOTALLY FASHION-SWAT WORTHY. Will was like 'I bet he's not even dressed up. He probably just straightened his hair."

I was about to be like WHY AREN'T YOU ON AIM then I noticed that I'm not on AIM. Wtf, aim, I hate you.

[igrayne.livejournal.com]

Hahaha... captain planet. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT TOO!!

I wanted to go to a party :( we never have anything like that. Sniff

[http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/]

He totally IS Captain Planet, wtf. I also felt like his power didn't make sense in comparison to the others -- like, how would that have manifested itself in his human form? -- but it was still awesome because, you know, GO PLANET.

Aw. I went to the DH party too, and I enjoyed it a lot more because i was sincerely excited for the book, but Breaking Dawn's party was something to do, I guess.

[shmobeline.livejournal.com]

Well I didn't think it was that bad, but it was freaking hilarious in some parts. Mostly I was just thinking, 'Oh terrific, yet more characters who don't own baby name books,' lol.

[http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/]

Hahaha when spoilers came out that Edward and Bella had a baby named Nessie -- short for Renesmee -- I basically died. It's so hilarious. And I'm not gonna lie, even Harry can name children better than Bella.

At least it wasn't Edward Jacob. Wtf, that's kind of hugely insulting. It's like if Lily II had been named Ginny Cho, lirl.

[rose-dawson.livejournal.com]

I also think it's interesting that from what I gather, mostly everyone who read the spoilers absolutely hated the novel; a good number of people who went into it blind liked it and thought it was a... good surprise, or something.

I think if the book hadn't leaked, the fangirls would have loved it, like, is a mutant vampire baby named Renesmee really more ridiculous than sparkling vampires? But seeing everything listed out like that--Nessie, pedophilia, Bella's "love shield"--they were just like, "OH SHIT WHAT HAVE WE BEEN READING."

Whatevs, they deserve Nessie. Their tears are like sweet sweet candy to me.

[vwl.livejournal.com]

I TOTALLY AGREE WITH EVERY SINGLE WORD OF YOUR REVIEW. AND YET, I LIKED THE BOOK ANYWAY BECAUSE I WAS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY THROUGHOUT 104% OF IT.

Okay, I'm done with caps.

At least Harry Potter is no longer alone in the 'I-shouldn't-be-allowed-to-name-my-children' Club.

[damn-squiggly.livejournal.com]

Bahaha, psycho girl is funny. And WTF, Stephenie Meyer wants 2 movies and an encyclopedia? I don't think so.
And see icon.

[kirrea.livejournal.com]

*chortlesnorts* Oh Kali, I love how your posts can crack me up like a coco pop even if I'm in a pissy mood. Peace!

[http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/]

If you want a mood lifter of hilarity, go read this (http://oxymoronassoc.livejournal.com/462027.html), srsly, it's awesome.

[punshine.livejournal.com]

I hated Breaking Dawn too. It was like bad fanfiction come to life.

:(