thirty2flavors | fic: for a hundred indecisions -- doctor who

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fic: for a hundred indecisions -- doctor who

Title: for a hundred indecisions
Rating: PG
Characters & Pairings: Rose/Ten, Donna
Spoilers?: Yeah, 4x13, I'm not cutting anymore because it's my own journal so sux 2 b u.
Summary: Rose and her Doctor discuss the fate of Donna Noble.
Excerpt :“That’s – that’s not fair, you can’t show someone those things and then take it away. Those memories are the only thing that got me through the last three years!”

It starts because she muses aloud that Donna Noble must be taking the other universe by storm.

They’re sitting on the back porch of the Tyler mansion, her hand in his, her head on his shoulders. She feels him tense beside her as soon as she says Donna and she wonders if it was a mistake, bringing that up. They’ve talked about what they’ve left behind but not whom, and she knows that half-human or not, this Doctor keeps his cards just as close to his chest. She wonders sometimes what it must be like for him, having only her for a confidant. It’s not so very different from those first days, way back when, and not for the first time she finds herself hoping she’s enough to keep the loneliness at bay.

“Yeah,” he says shortly, and the dark look that washes over his face reminds her far too much of when he’d once told her his entire planet burned. It’s more than simply missing something – there’s guilt, too, hanging heavy on his shoulders and the corners of his mouth and stealing some of the light from his eyes.

She squeezes his hand and lifts her head to look at him. “What? What’s that look for, what’s wrong?”

He opens and closes his mouth twice, hesitating. “Donna … she’s got a Time Lord mind in a human brain. That can’t happen – a human brain can’t handle having all that … stuff packed into it.”

She has a fleeting image of Donna beaming at them from the vault in the Crucible, speaking in technobabble too fast for Rose to understand. “But what about you? You’re fine.”

The Doctor shakes his head. “It’s different for me, I was made to handle it. Time Lord with just enough human – but Donna, she’s… well, she’s human with not quite enough Time Lord.” He frowns, staring intensely at a spot on the lawn. “She can’t stay that way. It’ll kill her.”

A silence settles between them like a thick fog and Rose feels a chill crawl up her spine. “So she’ll… die?” The word alone feels like a ball and chain. “Can’t he do something, save her?” Even now, she finds it hard to accept that there are situations the Doctor can’t fix.

“Oh, sure, ’course he can. He will.”

Yet he doesn’t smile, so Rose knows she’ll have to ask the most important question.

“How?”

He takes a deep breath and exhales slowly, leaving his eyes shut a second longer than a proper blink. He swallows, Adam’s apple bobbing, and when he speaks his voice is low.

“He’ll have to wipe her mind of all of it – the TARDIS, Time Lords, traveling, him, me, everything.”

The picture unfolds in Rose’s mind with startling clarity, a truth she doesn’t want to accept laid bare on the table before her. She swallows, too.

“So she’ll just… forget all of it. Saving the universe, traveling with you, everything she saw and did and was -- all of it?”

“Yes.”

She drops his hand and runs her fingers through her hair, considering. The very idea strikes a chord in her stomach and she feels uneasy. “But that’s terrible!”

His jaw sets and she sees his defenses lock into place. “It’s the only way to save her life, Rose.”

“But – but you can’t take that from someone,” she sputters. She imagines being stripped of all that, of being just another shop girl from London, the exact sort of girl she was at nineteen – and it terrifies her. “That’s – that’s not fair, you can’t show someone those things and then take it away. Those memories are the only thing that got me through the last three years!”

The Doctor narrows his eyes, his head whipping to the side to stare at her. “You’re missing the point! It’s that or death, she’d burn up –”

“Maybe that’s better!” she exclaims. She can see that ever-present anger – that oncoming storm – lingering below the surface, but she doesn’t back off. “I’d rather die than lose all that.”

He rolls his eyes and scoffs. “No, you wouldn’t, because you wouldn’t miss it. You wouldn’t know there was anything to miss – you would just lead a normal, happy, human life without me interfering.”

Realization hits her like a bucket of cold water and she raises her eyebrows. “Oh, my God – she’s not even going to have a choice, is she?”

He rolls his eyes. “There is no choice, Rose!”

She shakes her head, her lips pressing into a thin line as anger reaches a boiling point in her veins. “Why are you always doing that?”

“Doing what?” He’s furious, now, too, rage rolling off him in waves.

“Thinking you know what’s best for everyone!” She throws her hands up into the air. “Making people’s decisions for them! You’re always doing it, acting like you know us better than we know ourselves, like you have the final say in everything –“

“And what would you do, Rose? Stand back and watch her die?”

Rose doesn’t answer; instead she crosses her arms over her chest and stares out into the garden. “I’ve seen her without you, Doctor. She wasn’t happy.”

She can feel his infuriated stare against the back of her head.

“That was different.” He says it like a warning.

“No, it wasn’t. She gave her life to bring you back before she’d even met you!” She hisses in frustration and turns to look at him. “Come on, Doctor, you’ve got some Donna in you – can you honestly tell me you think she’d rather go back to being a temp in Chiswick?”

He stares at her for just a second, his eyes narrowed, before he leaps to his feet and strides angrily down the stairs and out across the lawn. As she watches his back it strikes her that she’s never argued with him like this, not with this face. It reminds her of leather jackets and blue eyes and she thinks that maybe they really have come full circle; maybe the Doctor in pinstripes had been right.

She sits there a moment, arms folded and glaring at the ground, fuming on Donna’s behalf. It’s so like him, she thinks, to assume that he knows what someone wants better than they do. She’s been there too many times – the Gamestation, Canary Wharf, Darlig Ulv Stranden – and it sets an indignant fire in her chest. She imagines losing those memories, having them pulled out from under her, and her eyes burn. She remembers the Donna Noble who destroyed the Reality Bomb, the Donna Noble who threw herself in front of a truck to make sure she turned left, and it’s just not fair.

When Rose looks up again, he’s stopped in the middle of the grass, hands in his pockets, staring at the sky. It hits her then that she’s arguing with the wrong man, that this Doctor has never taken anything from Donna Noble except perhaps some mannerisms, and some of her anger is extinguished by pity. He looks remarkably small, standing in the middle of the field once filled by Cybermen, so she stands and crosses the grounds to meet him.

When she reaches his side, he speaks before she has a chance to.

“You’re right, Rose.”

His voice holds nine hundred years’ worth of sorrow and she looks up to see him looking ahead at nothing, eyes empty. It reminds her of the Crucible, where she’d watched him suffer silently through Davros’ taunting, and she shivers.

He smiles grimly and sighs.

“You’re right, and it’s selfish of him, it is – so selfish – but just… imagine. Imagine that in nine hundred years you’ve lost all sorts of things – family, friends, your planet, your people. Countless people have died for you, because of you. Your best friend’s about to be added to that list, but you can stop it, you can save her -- only it’ll cost you both.” He inhales deeply and closes his eyes. “He couldn’t just watch her die, Rose, whether she wanted it or not. He’s not – I’m not – strong enough for that.”

All at once she thinks she understands, though she may not agree. Her heart breaks for all of them – for Donna, stripped of the stars, for her Doctor who never even got a proper goodbye, and for the other Doctor, alone in the TARDIS out there with only guilt to keep him company.

Wordlessly she moves in front of him and wraps her arms around him, pulling him as close as she can. He shakes in her arms, something she’s never felt before, and his fingers cling to the back of her shirt with such desperation she feels like she’s a buoy and he’s adrift at sea. He buries his face in her hair and she closes her eyes, listening to the thump-thump of his lonely human heart.

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*sob!* This is beautiful. You've written the Doctor's pain as well as Rose's comfort perfectly. And I love your explanation as to why he had to save Donna. Excellent work.

Thanks! Though I found Donna's end terribly depressing and not particularly suiting of her awesomeness (I do think it would have been more honourable to die) I can also see that this is the man who thought it was a good idea to save River Song to a giant harddrive rather than let her die, even before she really meant anything to him, so the chances of allowing his BFF to "burn up" in front of him are... pretty slim.

I think this situation is very similar to patients with operable brain tumors. To have to make a choice between losing a part of yourself or dieing would be very near impossible. The Doctor made that choice for her, and we can debate whether or not that was acceptable until the cows decide to come home, but it was definitely in character. At least this way she still has the potential to be brilliant, however slim. I for one am glad she didn't die. It leaves the story open for her to return someday, whether it be in cannon, or just the wonderful world of fanfic.

Your best friend’s about to be added to that list, but you can stop it, you can save her -- only it’ll cost you both.

I'm as conflicted as Rose about what happened to Donna -- it's horrible, without a doubt, and I don't think Donna would have chosen that outcome on her own. But ... the Doctor's decision was made out of love for her, and some selfishness, and I completely understand why he would be motivated the way he was. You captured this beautifully. Thanks.

Donna's ending was terrible and I agree that I don't think it's the ending she'd have chosen -- I mean, she was basically begging him -- but on the other hand, were I in the Doctor's position, I think I'd do the same thing.

Thank you!

This is just gorgeous and I love how this fic revolves around having the right to choose vs. taking that choice out of someone's hands.

Thanks! I thought it would be an interesting way to explore the various reactions to Donna's exit, and this seemed like the most natural medium to explore it in -- through the lens of the Doctor who didn't do it, but would have.

This is a beautiful exploration of that tough decision. I'd been so, so mad at the Dotor for taking away her choice until someone turned it around (I think via a poll) and put it as "if you had to wipe someone's amazing memories or let them die, which would you do" and I had to admit I wouldn't let that person die. I like that Rose has the same reaction we do as viewers -- outrage at first, followed by empathy with the Doctor's decision.

I also like that they fight -- I do think she and this Doctor will fight more, a la the Ninth Doctor. I like the idea of her being less starstruck with him than she was in Season 2. Feisty is good!

Beautiful!

It really is quite an unfortunate situation. From Donna's perspective I can understand wanting to die rather than revert back to what she'd obviously felt was such a trivial, meaningless life, lacking eve the memories to cling to, but on the other hand I think it would be impossibly hard to watch anyone die knowing you could save them, let alone your best friend. I know a lot of people aren't very pleased with this aspect of the finale, and Rose seemed like an easy way to explore this decision.

Yeah, I imagine between supposedly being more like Nine and having a bit of Donna in there, this Doctor would be quicker to fight back, and, well, arguments are just fun.

Thank you!

Awww... Poor Doctor! And por, poor Donna!
This was beautiful!

Poor Donna indeed. All things considered I think she gets the roughest send-off, worse than Doomsday, even.

Thank you!

He buries his face in her hair and she closes her eyes, listening to the thump-thump of his lonely human heart

Sniffle.

This was probably the best I've seen of the Pete's World coverage of the Donna Noble debacle. I really enjoyed reading this!

...Yeah, I couldn't really resist the intense angst, lol.

Thank you!

This is wonderful. I love your explanation of the Doctor's actions towards Donna and Rose's reaction to finding out what happened feels just spot on.

Terribly sad, but lovely :)

I felt like Rose in particular would be very quick to condemn his actions, given that she herself foudn it impossible to simply slip back into a normal life. I also think it's a pretty complicated moral situation, and those are always fun to write, lol.

Thanks!

That was heartbroken and massively beautiful.

THank you!

beautiful.

=) Thanks.

Sad! I liked the way he explained why he would save Donna.

I think the Doctor is more than a little obsessed with keeping the death toll as low as possible, regardless of circumstance, so I do think there is really no way he ever would have done anything but save her -- but it's still very sad.

Thanks!

Excellent exploration of the issue. I, for one, think the Doctor made the right choice. As we saw in FotD and TL, Donna can be amazing without the Doctor, and I have faith she will be. But such a cost to both of them! Donna, at least, can't miss what she doesn't remember; the Doctor, however, will miss her terribly.

BTW, I find your page hard to read, with the small print and gray-on-white typeface. Just FYI, but you might want to think about changing it. For great justice.

Sometimes I think he probably did the right thing and other times I think it would have suited Donna more to have a choice in the matter, and I don't think she would have chosen to "go back". That said, if I were in his place, I totally would have done the same thing, because watching someone you care about that much just die even as you know you can save them would just be impossible. And I agree -- it's a shame that Donna misses out on such wonderful development and growth and opportunity, but at least she isn't aware she's missing out. The Doctor, on the other hand, gets the unfortunate task of going on without her.

Really? That's interesting, it's perfectly legible to me and the font is black (or close to it) on my screen. Do you happen to use IE? I'm running on a Mac and my layout works well for me, but I've been on my lj on a PC and it didn't look nearly so pretty. I'll think about it, thanks.

Lovely fic - and though Rose might be right about what Donna would want, I still think given the choice the Doctor did the right thing. My sympathy's with 10.5 here.

It's a strange situation because esentially I agree with both of them -- I don't think it's what Donna would want and I'm not sure it's what I'd want if I were Donna, but I also know that I'd do the same thing he did, if I were in his place, so... y'know. Really I just feel bad for everyone involved.

Thanks!

Thank you.

I have still not been able to rewatch Journey's End, not so much because of the 10.5/Rose/10 ending (I came to terms and grew to love that fairly quickly) but because what happened to Donna just rips me up and hurts to watch. But this, this, this beautifully written piece has just mended the heartbreak a little.

So thank you very very much, I think I can rewatch it now.

I've rewatched Journey's End and I have to admit that Donna's ending hit me harder the second time, possibly because the first time there was that OMG WHAT WILL HAPPEN? aspect, whereas the second time around I was just like D: DONNAAAA.

Anyway, I'm glad I helped. =)

Wonderfully writen. I think Donna's fate is something that bothers us all so it's nice to see Rose take up our arguments with the Doctor and come to the same conclusions we have (though I know it took me a while to forgive the Doctor). In the end I think the Doctor did the only thing he could do. Rose is right, Donna would have wanted to remember, regardless of the cost but the Doctor knows that she can be fabulous again without him. Maybe even after everything she's been through and learned about herself, the Doctor still believes in her more than she does herself.

Maybe even after everything she's been through and learned about herself, the Doctor still believes in her more than she does herself.

I hadn't thought of it in those terms but that seems like a very apt description, however sad. Personally I sort of waver back and forht on the issue from day to day -- I agree with Rose, but I'd probably do the same as the Doctor, so what can you do?

Thanks!

Ohh, this is beautiful! I love the last two paragraphs and I don't know why but "stipped of the stars" sticks with me.

Thanks! It was a phrase I liked myself, actually, I'm kind of a sucker for alliteration, lol.

I love this to pieces, would it be okay to rec it on my journal? :)

Aw, absolutely, I'm flattered. =)

This is an amazing fic, I always hated what happened to Donna and I think it is important that someone got angry on her behalf. I always liked the scenes Rose and Donna had together, they both rock and it's nice to see Rose defending Donna as well as standing up to the doctor, It is also heartbreaking for both Doctors and you showed that remarkably well. Oh very sad but very good.

I did think Rose was a good opportunity to have someone angry on Donna's behalf, and it made perfect sense to me that she would be furious, so I couldn't really resist writing this. I did think Rose and Donna made a good team in Turn Left, and even if Donna couldn't remember it I think Rose would always be fond of her for that, which would just make her angrier. That said, I did want to highlight the futility of the Doctor's situation and the damned if you, damned if you don't choice he has to make. Easy as it is to condemn him for it, I don't think I know too many people who could watch their best friend die and do nothing to save them.

Thanks!

Dude, I came and read this one after reading the DoctorDonna one and here's thing.

I love this. It helps me understand and not be so angry at the Doctor for what he did to Donna, but at the same time it makes me insavely angry at Russell T. Davies for not getting it and leaving it to fic writers.

So, love the story. I'm adding you to my friends list so I can hopefully go on reading more of your excellent writing in the future.

Thank you!

The awkward thing about this, I think, is that while this explanation was pretty apparent to me after I'd considered it (and indeed I wrote this primarily as a way to express that relative defense of the Doctor without... y'know, writing some bantering meta post or something) I can also see how people won't see it from that perspective. Ultimately it's an awkward situation because from Donna's point of view, I can see that she would rather die than go back to a life that she didn't really feel held anything for her; on the other hand, in the Doctor's situation, I think it's very doubtful I could just let my best friend die.

As

lunasky mentioned in one of the comments, the ending's particularly interesting because -- disregarding the fact that Ten has this compulsive need to save things any way he can (River Song? Wtf?) -- it also suggests that he has faith she can have a fantastic life on her own, whereas Donna doesn't have that same faith in herself.

Thanks! And yeah, go for it; any fic I write will be public and posted here. =)

Okay, my heart? Broken. You really capture the tragedy of the situation. And the last line is so perfectly sad. Marvelous.

Thanks! I really wanted to get at all sides of the situation, and this seemed like the best way to do it, so I'm glad you think so. =)

Okay, this just freaking broke my heart. All of it. The story flowed so organically, from Rose's reasons for her fury (the memories were all that got her through) to realizing she was mad at the wrong timelord, to the heartbreaking explanation John Noble gave for why things had to be the way they were. That he couldn't watch his best friend die. Not after everyone else had, too. I love Rose and Ten, I love that she is there for her, hoping and wishing she si enough to keep the loneliness at bay...

]Wordlessly she moves in front of him and wraps her arms around him, pulling him as close as she can. He shakes in her arms, something she’s never felt before, and his fingers cling to the back of her shirt with such desperation she feels like she’s a buoy and he’s adrift at sea. He buries his face in her hair and she closes her eyes, listening to the thump-thump of his lonely human heart.

Really powerful ending.

So many people hated Donna's ending, and while i certainly didn't like it in the sense that obviously Donna dserves better, I think the fact that it's so heartbreaking is just evidence of how good it was. If I were Donna give the choice, would I want to go back? Probably not. But if I were the Doctor, would I do the same thing to save someone I loved? Most certainly. So I can't really blame him, and I wanted to give him a chance to explain himself -- and since the Doctor doesn't lend himself to introspection that well, I figured Handy and Rose were a fair substitute.

I think this older, more mature Rose would feel the burden of being the only one close to him in a way that s1 and s2 Rose never did, because for all that she worried about him I think she revelled in the attention. Rose was always very hyper-aware of how alone he is, probably because she first met him as Nine, and I think that would worry her a lot with this new Doctor, at least until they get well and truly settled in Pete's World.

Thank you!

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fic: for a hundred indecisions -- doctor who

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