thirty2flavors: (jkr to smeyer: suck it bitch!)
[personal profile] thirty2flavors
Title: Wait 'Til You Read Book Seven
Rating: G
Characters/Pairings: Ten2/Rose, Tony, Jackie
Genre: Humour
Summary: In which [livejournal.com profile] _thirty2flavors offends everybody ever. The Doctor discovers a horrifying difference between that first universe and Pete's World.

Author's Note: Ages back when this scandal broke, I had a discussion with [livejournal.com profile] bazcat89 that ultimately led to this. I would say none of the opinions reflected in this piece are my own, but that's not strictly true. I guess you'll just have to guess which ones. That said, I don't actually intend to offend anybody, this is just for lulz.


Rose was disrupted from her very nice, relaxing cup of tea by the Doctor bounding over and waving a book in front of her face.

“Have you read this?” he demanded, sounding outraged enough that she couldn’t immediately tell whether he was hoping for a yes or a no.

She pulled her head back and snatched the book from his hands, knowing full well that if she didn’t he’d never hold it still long enough for her to read the title. Probably it was some horrible sci-fi novel – somewhere along the line he’d gotten into the habit of reading them, only to explain to Rose later and in great detail why they were inaccurate, improbable, impossible and otherwise wrong. Rose usually responded by pointing out both that they were fiction and that most of the world did not have their own personal alien encyclopedia to check details with.

So when she looked at the title, she was rather surprised.

“Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows?” she read aloud. She sent him a strange glance. “I thought you liked these books.”

“Well, I do,” he admitted, looking briefly placated. “But not – Rose, the ending is all wrong.” At her uncomprehending stare, he took the book from her hands and flipped towards the end. Pointing at the offending line with one finger, he twisted the book back towards her. “See? Harry marries Hermione.”

Rose did see, although the jumble of names meant very little to her. She’d never been much of a reader, really.

“And that’s… bad,” she said slowly.

“It’s wrong!” he insisted again. “Harry's supposed to marry Ginny!”

Rose stared, perplexed. She’d seen one of the movies, once, with Mickey, long before she’d met the Doctor. She hadn’t the faintest idea who Ginny was.

“And Hermione’s meant to be with Ron, everyone knows that,” the Doctor carried on, waving one hand.

“That red-headed boy?” she asked, and when he nodded, Rose made a face into her tea. “I always thought he was a bit funny looking.”

The Doctor stared at her, appalled. “Funny looking? It’s – that’s not – whether or not he’s funny looking has nothing to do with it, it’s -- that isn’t –”

“He’s just mad ‘cause I was right,” came the smug voice of Tony as he strolled into the room to take a seat across the table from Rose.

“That’s not true,” said the Doctor, in a tone that told Rose it was, in fact, very true.

“It was obvious anyway,” Tony said, shrugging and reaching over to grab a biscuit from Rose’s plate. She scowled and tugged the plate closer. “I dunno how you missed it.”

“It was not!” the Doctor insisted, and Rose listened with amusement as the pitch of his voice raised a bit in indignation. “Harry and Hermione are like siblings, that’s like – like –“

“You and Donna?” suggested Rose, raising her eyebrows.

The Doctor made a face.

“Ron and Hermione fight too much,” Tony deduced, munching happily on his biscuit in a way that would surely horrify Jackie. “Why would you marry someone you fight with all the time?”

“Mum and Dad argue all the time,” Rose reasoned, shrugging. “Most couples do.”

“You two don’t,” said Tony, jerking his chin towards the both of them and popping the last of his biscuit into his mouth.

The Doctor’s expression shifted from sulky to smug in a split second. “Well, yes, but Rose and I are obviously perfect for each other, so–“

“Don’t listen to him, Tony, we argue,” interjected Rose, rolling her eyes. A mischievous grin tugged at her lips. “Once he called me a stupid ape.”

The Doctor’s head snapped towards her, offended expression back in place. “Oi!”

“Really?” asked Tony, looking utterly delighted.

Rose had a strong suspicion “stupid ape” might crop up in the next argument he got into.

That was a long time ago,” the Doctor noted, with a pointed stare in Rose’s direction.

She smirked. “We argued last Tuesday, when you–“

“Anyway,” the Doctor went on, turning back to Tony, “they argue because they’re teenagers and that’s what you lot do, it wasn’t some tragic love story.”

“I used to argue with Jimmy Stone,” said Rose with a lackluster swirl of her tea. “Definitely not a tragic love story there.”

Tony shook his head. “That’s rubbish. Hermione thinks Ron’s daft anyway.”

“She does not! She just wants him to live up to his potential, that’s all.”

“Harry and Hermione are way nicer to each other,” Tony went on, “and if Ron marries Hermione, what about Luna?”

“Who says Luna needs to marry anyone?” the Doctor asked, in what Rose had come to think of as his I am diplomatic! voice. Then he waved a hand. “But she marries Rolf Scamander.”

“Who’s Rolf Scamander? That’s not even a character,” said Tony, staring at the Doctor like he was completely mental.

As the Doctor went on to explain who precisely Rolf Scamander was, with the addendum that he had spoken to J. K. Rowling personally about it, it suddenly struck Rose what she was witnessing: the Doctor arguing with her little brother over the love lives of fictional characters.

She burst out laughing.

Both the Doctor and Tony turned to stare at her, but Rose, busy laughing at them, couldn’t seem to articulate what exactly was so funny.

It was then that Jackie walked into the room, her forehead scrunching as she watched her daughter laugh. “What’s so funny, then?”

Rose snickered and took a long sip of her tea. The Doctor continued to stare at Rose, perplexed; Tony turned his attention to his mother.

“Mum, who did Harry Potter marry in your universe?”

Jackie looked at him incredulously. “Well how should I know? I never read those.” She shrugged. “I don’t even think they were finished before we came here.”

The Doctor heaved a sigh of impatience. “I’m telling you, he marries Ginny!”

“But then who marries Malfoy?”

“Ginny would never marry Malfoy, that’s ridiculous–”

“Ron marrying Hermione is ridiculous–”

“It is not!”

“Is too!”

Given the combined maturity levels of the Doctor and Tony, Rose rather expected the argument to carry on in a similar manner for quite some time. She was spared, however, when Jackie hit them both upside the head at the same time.

“Shut it, both of you!” She fixed both of them with her keenest motherly glare. “It’s just books, for God’s sake. Honestly!”

With matching pouts, the Doctor and Tony rubbed the backs of their heads. Looking satisfied, Jackie lowered one hand to her hip and pointed the other at Tony.

“And you’ve got football practice in twenty minutes, mister, now go get ready.”

Perhaps fearing for the continued safety of his head, Tony leapt up from his seat obediently and sprung from the room. Jackie watched him go, then reached over to take the last biscuit from Rose’s plate.

“It is weird, though, isn’t it?” she went on, breaking the biscuit in two. “Back home, I was reading these books by this American lady, yeah? There was gonna be four of them, they were great – then we wind up here, there’s only one and no one’s ever heard of it. It wasn’t even as good! No one would choose Mike over Edward.” She sighed. “I’d better go make sure he’s getting ready.” With a bite of biscuit, she left the room.

For a moment the Doctor and Rose sat in silence, Rose finishing her cup of tea and the Doctor still eyeing the book on the table with undue wariness. Eventually she shook her head, setting her cup back on its saucer.

“You’re ridiculous,” she said affectionately, nudging him with her elbow. “Everything different in this universe, and this is what bothers you?”

“It’s strange!” he whined, and she laughed. “This universe, it’s completely mad. Harry and Hermione?”

Rose grinned. “Y’know, I saw one of the movies once. With Mickey.” She rolled her shoulders innocently. “I thought it seemed sort of like he fancied her.”

The Doctor glared and folded his arms across the table, staring determinedly straight ahead rather than at Rose. “You’re horrible,” he announced. “You’re meant to be on my side. I took your side when you were arguing with Jake, despite the fact the absence of Mamma Mia!, on stage or on screen, is, in reality, quite a good thing.”

Rose’s only reply was to laugh, her forehead coming to rest against the Doctor’s shoulder. He stayed still, but when she peeked up at him with one eye, she saw him resolutely holding back a grin.

He shook his head. “Martha would understand.”
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Date: 2009-02-21 08:36 pm (UTC)
scarfman: (Default)
From: [personal profile] scarfman

The curtain line is the best laugh.

Date: 2009-02-21 08:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Haha, I was determined to have that as the last line.

Date: 2009-02-21 08:38 pm (UTC)
ext_23120: (Default)
From: [identity profile] hibernate.livejournal.com
This is, oh gawd, I can't even tell you how fricking hilarious this is! I love how passionate (and weirdly knowledgeable) the Doctor is about the books, and Rose being all "...o-kay" and not really knowing who's who. And the best bit is when the Doctor gets all upset here:

The Doctor stared at her, appalled. “Funny looking? It’s – that’s not – whether or not he’s funny looking has nothing to do with it, it’s -- that isn’t –”

Hahaha! :D

I ♥ this SO MUCH.

Edited because I was laughing too much to type properly. :)

Date: 2009-02-21 08:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Hahahaha I'm glad! "Passionate and weirdly knowledgeable" indeed. I figured if book seven made him cry I'm probably not exaggerating all that much. And of course Rose has little interest in the books at all and can appreciate the hilarity of the situation.

Thanks!

Date: 2009-02-21 08:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] afterthree.livejournal.com
YES! YOU FINALLY WROTE IT! YOU WIN AT EVERYTHING!

*loves this story*

Date: 2009-02-21 08:46 pm (UTC)

Date: 2009-02-21 08:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lacunaz.livejournal.com
EPIC WIN.

“Who’s Rolf Scamander? That’s not even a character.”

Martha would totally be shocked and appalled also at these events.

Loved the Twilight reference, although I dunno who you're trying to fool by using the adjective "great", unless in Pete's World that means "lulzy".

Date: 2009-02-21 08:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Martha and Ten went to release parties. Fact.

As mucha s I love her, Jackie Tyler is totally a Twimom. Totally.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] lacunaz.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-02-21 08:59 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/ - Date: 2009-02-21 09:01 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2009-02-21 08:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bubbles234.livejournal.com
LOL. I love this! :D

(But the absence of Mamma Mia! would not be good. I <3 that film.....)

Date: 2009-02-21 08:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Hee, thanks!

(Well, Rose would agree with you thee.)

Date: 2009-02-21 08:57 pm (UTC)
From: [personal profile] christycorr
I am SO AMUSED.

Date: 2009-02-21 09:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
I am glad! This is probably the closest to crossover territory I will ever get.

(no subject)

From: [personal profile] christycorr - Date: 2009-02-21 09:03 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2009-02-21 08:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thebadwolf91.livejournal.com
Haha! Halarious.
Although, I'm kinda with the Doctor on this one. Harry and Hermione together? Just wierd.
And the Twilight reference = gold! I kinda wish I was in a world where Twilight isn't quite so popular sometimes. People can get a bit crazy over it.
Anyway, LOVED this.

Date: 2009-02-21 09:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Hee, thanks.

People can get a lot crazy over Twilight, yeah. (And personally I see nothing wrong with Mike Newton.)

Date: 2009-02-21 09:04 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] goldy-dollar.livejournal.com
I don't know. It's SO ingrained in my personal canon that the Doctor ships Harry/Hermione that I'm not sure I can get passed that. NOT EVEN FOR YOU. :D Though I loved Tony pointing out that the Doctor and Rose never fight, and prompting Rose to bring up one argument that happened years ago. Adorable.


I mean, seriously. Is there another reason he would have cried at the end of book 7?

Date: 2009-02-21 09:07 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
I SUPPOSE WE AGREE TO DISAGREE. ...plus if he didn't ship r/hr then I had no story, I am willing to make these sacrifices.

I actually did that poll, rofl (http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/47071.html), I dunno if that was before you were on my flist or not.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] goldy-dollar.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-02-21 09:10 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/ - Date: 2009-02-21 09:20 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] goldy-dollar.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-02-21 09:24 pm (UTC) - Expand

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From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/ - Date: 2009-02-21 09:26 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2009-02-21 09:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] firstlightofeos.livejournal.com
*grins* I remember you talking about this! It's so wonderfully made of win.

(By the way, you should know that Chris Twittered about this. That's how good it is.)

"No one would choose Mike over Edward." Probably my favourite line of this piece, not gonna lie. Jackie-Tyler-reads-Twilight is totally my new canon.

I also love the back-and-forth between the Doctor and Tony; I can totally see him getting passionate about this. And he "had spoken personally to JK Rowling about it", heeeeee.

And the idea underlying it all—that it's the small differences that you notice the most—is kind of awesome. Seriously, the depth with which you've created the parallel universe is quite impressive. (I agree about the absence of Mamma Mia!-the-movie, but have heard that the musical is great, so I'm not going to say anything about that.)

So yes. To summarize: You are a genius and I love this fic.

I do not have a suitable DW icon; what madness is this?

Date: 2009-02-21 09:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Yes, I remember using it to confuse Irvin with our talks of altHP.

HAHA CHRIS TWITTERED. AWESOME.

The Doctor obviously hates to be wrong, and Tony would naturally relish any opportunity to outsmart the Doctor. I did have an interesting time trying ot make Tony sound a bit more like a casual fan and less like someone who writes ship manifestos, a mission which I may or may not have accomplished.

Aw, thank you! The tiny differences are fun to work with. (It's funny, more thought actually went into that bit than it might seem. There's a clip... game... thingy... where Ten mentions that he's dropped Rose off at an ABBA concert, so I took his decision not to go with her as evidence of a disdain for ABBA. ..Plus, I don't think I'd miss Mamma Mia! either)

MADNESS. It's okay, this is the only HP icon i have anymore.

Date: 2009-02-21 09:13 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sunnytyler001.livejournal.com
Ha! The last line is made of win!
(and so is the whole story)

Date: 2009-02-21 09:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Hee, thanks! (Martha would totally understand.)

Date: 2009-02-21 09:15 pm (UTC)
ext_41047: (Default)
From: [identity profile] nurse-stiney.livejournal.com
AHAHAHAHA that was the most amazing pseudo-crossover ever.
And LOVELOVELOVE that you inserted the Draco/Ginny-ness. That must've been one of the few HP!kid couples that I supported back in the day.
Perfection = that last line. That is all. :D

Date: 2009-02-21 09:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Hee! When it comes to Harry Potter ships I'm actually pretty ambivalent with the sole exception of Lily/James, so it was fun to toss in Draco/Ginny and Ron/Luna and all sorts of things.

Thanks!

Date: 2009-02-21 09:26 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ladybeth.livejournal.com
Heh:) This is great. And Harry/Hermione would be strange. But I'll have to side on the side of Pete's World if Ginny can marry Malfoy.;)

Date: 2009-02-21 09:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
lol! I have a feeling Pete's World HP might have a fair number of supporters, actually.

Thanks!

Date: 2009-02-21 09:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] avidbeader.livejournal.com
Heh, rather an amusing scene you've painted. I especially liked Tony's take; very similar to the attitudes of a number of my students over the years.

It's good to know that in some universe out there, Rowling got it right :P

Date: 2009-02-21 09:36 pm (UTC)

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/ - Date: 2009-02-21 09:39 pm (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2009-02-21 09:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tsukihysteria.livejournal.com
ROTFL!! OMG! That was hilarious. My friend is a Harry/Hermione shipper and I never quite understand like the Doctor. So I know how he feels XD

HAHAHAHA The Doctor and Tony having their own shipper war. That was sooo cute.

Jackie is a twimom?! Who knew!? XD


this was sooo cute!

Jude

Date: 2009-02-21 09:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
I choose to take Rose's neutral stance on that issue, but yeah, I may never stop getting a kick out of how vicious the shipwars in HP fandom were/are.

I love Jackie Tyler and think she is truly fabulous, but she is definitely a Twimom. Like, definitely.

Thanks!

Date: 2009-02-21 10:02 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] okelay.livejournal.com
Oh this is hilarious!!! I loved it! I would've been happy with the changes, I always shipped H/Hr, but I like how upset the Doctor is.and how he fights with Tony about it and Jackie is a twimom and Rose compares it to him and Donna which I suppose it's appropiate and how he thinks Martha would get it. which she would.cause she's definitely a fan and you know they went to release parties in full hogwarts uniform, (both as ravenclaws)
and this is just awesome!

Date: 2009-02-21 10:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Martha and the Doctor totally went to release parties. In costume. And accidentally spoiled little kids. The Doctor probably got kicked out of one party and they had to find a different one.

Thanks!

Date: 2009-02-21 10:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bazoolium.livejournal.com
My goodness, this is just hilarious.

I laughed way too much than I should have.

Date: 2009-02-21 10:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Aw, thank you! This was one of those fics where I'm never quite sure if I'm the only one who'll find it funny or not, lol.

Date: 2009-02-21 10:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] nattieb.livejournal.com
This universe, it’s completely mad. Harry and Hermione?

Oh my gosh this made me die laughing. As someone who has spent a lot of time in the HP fandom the shipping wars always made me giggle. This was a great tribute to how truly dedicated fans can be. And this line: the Doctor arguing with her little brother over the love lives of fictional characters.

I want to plaster it on icons and slap it up all over the universe.

Date: 2009-02-21 10:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Oh, I spent YEARS in the HP fandom, and while i never witnessed the Harmony-vs-Heron wank firsthand (I tended to hang out in the Marauder-era corner of things), I know that it is legendary and epic and hilarious.

Ahaha, I could not resist throwing that line in there. Oh, shipwars.

Thanks!

Date: 2009-02-21 10:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sweetcherrytree.livejournal.com
WIN WIN WIN that is all I can say. it didn't even occur to me that HP would be different in the alternate universe.

Date: 2009-02-21 10:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
My general attitude is "it's different if I say it's different". And also if I write something and then discover a huge plotpoint is some Americanism.

But yeah, when JKR did her whole "it could have gone that way", Liz and I were instantly like OMG ALTHP IS H/HR!!

Date: 2009-02-21 10:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] javabreeze.livejournal.com
Oh, this was adorable. I have never read or seen any of the Potter books or movies so I was just as lost as Rose was but it was still a delight to read.

Date: 2009-02-21 10:32 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Really? Oh, I'm glad, though I didn't really expect this fic would be very accessible to anyone who wasn't at least passingly familiar with Harry Potter.

Date: 2009-02-21 10:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] silencing.livejournal.com
::squeezes Tony:: mmm Pumpkin Pie,...

used to be my OTP H/Hr...now...well DW took over my life

Loved the argument, and Rose's reasoning, even if I am slightly biased...

Date: 2009-02-21 11:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Hee, I figure a lot of people have personal bias when it comes to this subject.

Thanks!

Date: 2009-02-21 11:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cuban-sombrero.livejournal.com
I'm on the Doctor's side here, but I still love this. :D The Doctor has every right to be mad.

Date: 2009-02-21 11:22 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
It WOULD be pretty weird, wouldn't it? It's like when you hear a song and then you hear another version of it, you almost always like the first one more.

Date: 2009-02-22 12:09 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] reetinkerbell.livejournal.com
Oh so brilliant.

The Mike over Edward bit just makes it more so.

hahaha. I love this so much.

Date: 2009-02-22 12:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Hee! I couldn't resist altTwilight, what can I say. It was too easy.

Thanks!

Date: 2009-02-22 12:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theepiccek.livejournal.com
EPIC. EPIC. EPIC. EPIC.

(no subject)

From: [identity profile] theepiccek.livejournal.com - Date: 2009-02-22 12:52 am (UTC) - Expand

Date: 2009-02-22 01:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jedi-of-urth.livejournal.com
But now I want to move to Pete's World for a better ending to the story. Plus maybe I could hang out with Ten II and Rose and Zeppelins and stuff, but well (points to icon) was always my HP ship.

Personally I don't think the Doctor really cared about ships, he could take of leave them. But I can see him overreacting to that changing since he'd been taking it as is for a while.

But it is mighty cute story even if like I said, he really shouldn't complain because now the ships make way more sense (except I would probably have done Neville/Ginny because they are my second HP ship, but it got pretty lost in the last couple books.

Date: 2009-02-22 01:51 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] http://users.livejournal.com/_thirty2flavors/
Haha, I knew some people would prefer altHP to actual HP.

No, I don't think it was really about the ships so much, either, so much as the fact that it was different, he hates being wrong and even things like HP epilogues changing might be very jarring when you're tossed into a brand new universe. Admittedly this is set after they've been there a while, as an excuse to have Tony old enough to argue this sort of thing, but... still.

When I originally planned this story I tossed around a few alternate endings, and one of them was Neville/Ginny. When it came to writing, though, I figured I'd go for the one with the larger base (and more hilarity, in my opinion), which was Draco/Ginny.

Thanks!
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